Happy
My sons Jesús (9) and Yan (7) ask each other if they are happy over 5 times an hour. Depending on how much language they have in those hours variations will include, “Zigadee happy? Cappy? Hoppy? Ese, esa, happy? Si appy?” They answer in call and response. “Yes yes,” and return the question. Or “no no”. If the answer is no no, there is sighing, comforting and repeated asking if the other is happy now, or…now?
If you are on the perimeter during this happiness check in, they will ask you too. “Are you happy?” They ask grocery clerks, bus drivers, and newscasters on TV. Don’t think too hard about it, I want to tell the neighbors. The answer is yes or no. Let's not fall into an existential crisis 5 times an hour. I listen as Jesús and Yan repeat this patchwork phrase over and over. But what they are meaning is not are you happy but I want to connect. They call and respond to words they know. They say, Are we connecting? Are you still there? I am here. I am here.
Sometimes a child will throw themselves on the floor just so they can feel their body in space. Jesús will rocket himself on the ground or into walls so he can bounce off. I do this too I think. I do this too.
I drink coffee with my sister. She rips the sugar open and stirs carefully. “Are you happy?” I ask her.
“What does that even mean?” She laughs and taps her spoon on the edge of the plate.
I lean in and repeat.
After a storm it is silent in the woods, until the loons start calling. The loon’s wail hauntingly echoes. I used to think it sounded empty and achy. But it is just a contact song. One mate will call across the silent lake for the other. Are you there? I am here.
A son obsessively slams his bedroom door until we take it off the hinges. Slam, swing, slam, swing. I am here. ARE YOU THERE? I am HERE.
I field these contact calls throughout the day into the evening. Every day and every evening. Now when these sons ask if I am happy I no longer only audibly respond. Instead I touch their head. Their shoulders. I ground them with my touch and they center me in space. I answer them.
You are here. I am here.
We are happy.