Holding
My 2 year old niece Em loves cheerios. She holds them so tightly in her little fist, because she loves them. She wants to eat them, but also doesn’t want to open her fist to expose them. She freezes, stuck in the impossible. How does she eat her favorite food, if she can’t get to her favorite food? And how does she keep her favorite food safe if she has to open her hand? So there she will stand, in the middle of my kitchen, looking at me for an answer.
Sometimes she attempts and puts her mouth to her fist, but that doesn’t solve the problem. She’ll wave her fist, but that doesn’t solve it. She doesn’t get frantic, as toddlers are quick to do. She is just stuck. Laughing, I walk to her and help her open her hand. Peeling up her fingers we release the cheerios from her sticky fingers. This is how to let go, I tell her. Enjoy.
These past few weeks Joe and I have been trying to make a decision with many moving pieces. Which has basically been our lives since COVID, but this was a new big decision that had presented itself for our family. We took small steps forward, then big steps, and I tried to keep my hands as open as possible. Caring, but trusting— the timing, insight, God. Then yesterday, what I wanted, envisioned and hoped for, slipped right through, and was gone.
I stood in the middle of my kitchen and looked for answers. There were none. I couldn’t help but feel that we had missed something, an opportunity that was supposed to work out. I tried to rearrange the tiles, the variables, and wondered about the outcome if I had held them differently, or worked harder. But the pieces of life are not something we get to hold tight to, like cheerios, tiles, gold bricks, or rope. The opportunities in life are a different element altogether. Like water or air. Or as the teachings of Jesus tells us- a mist.
We can grasp all we want- it won’t necessarily keep. But when we swim, or breathe, or be—we just pass through. There is a reach, but also a release. This is how to let go, I kindly remind myself. The best part is: it doesn’t belong to you. Like the sunrise, like the moon rise, like the snow. The best part is: there’s more.
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James 4:14